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Every year, it seems the time Ethan was on Earth becomes a distant memory. Yet, every year, I’m constantly reminded of what isn’t and what could’ve been.
It’s a weird conundrum. I want to remember everything about my son, but I also don’t want to remember the hurt and pain of it all.
And it sucks. I’m not going to lie and say it’s been an easy road. The first year really sucked and I stayed in a state of suicidal ideation. I lost friendships and had other relationships irreversibly broken.
I love to remember the positive of Ethan. He was perfect, but just really early. He was absolutely gorgeous and I look at his picture often, every day.
I’ve never posted a picture of Ethan online and I don’t plan to start. I’m fortunate enough where I haven’t had any requests to show him, though there have been curious people I’m sure.
The hard thing about losing a baby is the nevers – he’ll never have a first day at school. He’ll never learn how to ride a bike. He’ll never have me chide him for not brushing his teeth or taking too long for bed.
He’ll never have a first love interest. He’ll never have soccer practice. He’ll never have the high school experience. Nor would he have a college experience.
Instead, I’ll treasure the very short time Ethan was on Earth and will meet him again in heaven.
